I'm sure its safe to assume that I'll always have something for those girls in the past, whether requited or unrequited. I'm not talking about the fleeting infats or the superficial hotties, I'm talking about the ones that are sparked from bonding and communication, the ones that have depth.
As such, I'm confused yet again because of what my feelings inside are pulling at, and my mind, trying to make a decision, is tearing my whole being apart.
Even if you are a tenuous reader of my entrusted stupid site, the story goes months
before my site's inception... lets start off with simple sentences... I had little feelings, then normal friendly feelings, that developed into confused feelings, then strong feelings, to resentful feelings, and now, after all this time, latent feelings. The problem with all these feelings was that I couldn't act with them because the person who these feelings tend to stayed with my then roomate for a few days, and i think somewhere we decided that nothing could happen because of my roomate. (damn me, damn him).
I've stayed at this person's place a couple times, i dunno why, maybe because I couldn't stand being in my apt with my roomate sulking or developing a huge latin anger. So i chilled at her place. for the record, Nothing happened. Either that or I was too dense and wishy-washy to notice what was going on, until maybe later on, when i finally submitted to what my clouded mind was telling me, after being thrown off by this superficial hot chick, i remembered the former, and by that time it got scarce. her subtle feelings waned while mine intensified. I felt like shit, like then you had the winning lotto numbers picked but you didnt buy your ticket... like that.
fwd to two summers ago, while working at TI...
tw was my venting of emotions to go party and not think of the krappy year before, so i cut her off from me, like she did a couple of times to me before. Come back after summer, we didnt dialogue for 4 months about. well, about this whole past year, we had much less contact than the previous year. I guess its because I respected her relationship with her now-bf, even though i've never met the guy, and that she was probably playing me the latter part of the previous year. So, we didn't get anything done this year. (Also, i was trying to not fail, and graduate). Towards the end we opened up some dialogue again. When I came back after graduation, I came over a few times to her place to chill until 11 or so, inadvertantly turning from the harmless guy in the eyes of the bf to the guy that stayed for 3 days (wow, i'm getting burned everywhere). This whole new year, when I'm not at this school, I mentioned somewhere that I was probably going to ASA, the Asian Kick off assembly... but then I rescheduled to several days earlier. Course, she probably was waiting for me to show up or something, otherwise why would she call me and get mad when i wasn't in the college town? That was the last time I was in town... except for this time...
This time, I told her I was going to be up, then i wasnt sure, then I was... and she wasnt here anyways, since she headed south... This whole week shes been partying up and drinking hard... I dunno what that means, but IMHO its like shes trying to drown something in a sea of alky and nights out. Maybe from her bf or other social problems, i dunno... my obj. was to fullfuill my obligation this time and tell her I'm here she she can see me... whatever..
So, maybe your reading and not thinking, "why are you tormented" or something completely different. Truth is,
I dunno... REally, its reasons I can't label... like how alot of you people feel like faith is guiding you but you have no reason or proof. throughout all the time, shes been always nice. Sometimes shes stern like a leader member, sometimes she childy with her voice. Her notable hugs give a sense of warmth and security in that moment alone. She's modest, yet picky. Modest with self-character traits, picky with her men being fit (as if). Shes connected to her phone 24-7 like conjoined twins... she worries about her round ass not being round. She fears abandonment (I think). She kicks people in her sleep. shes a tentative partygirl. oh and she wakes at the same speed turtles cross roads. (hmm, did I post something like this before?! this feels like deja vu) These are alot of quirks, and yet, to me, they probably are the best quirks in the world (stupid blinding emotions).
Back again to that question:
"what the fuck is this about again?" Yeah, I dunno. I think it has to do with the fact that those feelings, the ones that went away into a dormant state with my graduating and less tentativeness towards women, those feelings, are trying to resurface the minute I'm reminded of that girl. Such as the case in point at Perkins after Horror Nites (See
Xanga Recap), where while we were waiting, i looked across the floor and 5 feet from me sitting across looked a girl that somehow in my mind, reminded me of the girl, and then
I couldnt stop thinking of her again, and i had the urge to call. Am I hopeless? What does this mean?
Can I never truly bury these feelings that I still retain when its certain that her feelings have shrunk to remission? Do I need to be distracted with such a large overwhelming stimulus to even remotely cloud my current flustering? I dont know... I don't know anything anymore... laughable. Me, an aspiring law student, and I can't even argue a reason for all this... sad...
I just want an answer, a resolution. (God, I think I HAVE done this before). Maybe, I just want to hear a voice say, "Its all right. I know what you're feeling."
Maybe.
