crushed again (multblog broadcast)
The past hurts, and sucks
8 years. Its been eight years. Can it really be you?
I was at the I-plaza saturday for the pure fun of it. I wasn't really doing shit today, slept most of it away, after being rapped on by mom about schools and stuff. actually, i wanted to see about the long shirt/jacket from American Eagle. Walking around after loitering in Bose for an hour watching Spy Kids 3d, I saunderered past the Brookstone, the Oakley Store, the Sharper Image, past the Discovery store, and around the Beeper's N Phones. Around this time, I've been constantly glancing around, noting that this mall pulls out nothing by hot white chicks in skimpy "fuck me" clothes or tight jeans or shit. Its around the B N P kiosk that I glanced behind me and a girl caught my eye for a second. I returned to my normal scanning around until I realized at the next moment that I knew that girl. I turned back around and blurted, "Ashley?"
It was Ashley K. My first high school crush. In St. Pete High, in the IB Program. It was Ashley. It was her. What the hell?
Background: I actually went to IB at SPHS in 94-96. There were only three girls during that time that I had some crush on at the time. She was the first. I don't know why. She was just cool, and fun to hang around with. Her laugh was unlike any other girl I've encountered: It wasn't a Janice (friends) laugh, or an Urkel laugh... it was a half-women/man laugh that you only here from the Lambda Lambda Lambda nerds in the "Revenge of the Nerds" movies. Really pretty. Sandy blonde hair. thin frame. "girl next door" vibe. I had such a huge crush on her, but I blew my opportunity. That happened when she sent her best friend Labri over to me in freshmen Econ class and asked me, "hey, do you like Ashley or Denise?" (Denise was this other girl who I slightly was fond of too, but was probably wayyyyy out of my league IMHO, like how Troi gave up with Tanya back in sophomore year). So, Labri asked, and me, being stupid and having this habit of never letting people know my feelings back in those early years (I'm a fucking Onion, I gots layers), I said no. That was the end there. Nothing more could progress. Hindsight, it could have led somewhere: her not seeing anyone, and her having a light enough crush on me to send her avatar to grill me about my feelings, but that chance was blown out of the water. I attribute it to no direction from anybody, and the fact that I acheived the alltime school record of achieving a 1.85 gpa progress report for the first grading period of my freshman year. We were acquaintable friends. Talked on the phone, et al. Had alot of classes together (P-IB), some of them where she sat in front of me (she fit nicely into her jeans). Course, she had one commonality with me: couldn't handle IB. So, she dropped, went Trad, and stayed in the school by means of German class (loophole). Then I only had her in Drama class. The last few times I called were to ask if she could help set up something between her brother's girlfriend (her friend), and my friend James that liked her (guess the response). lost touch gradually, to nonexistence when I moved to TAS... that was in 96. Since coming back, I browsed through the SPHS senior yearbook, and noted that she still stayed there. From there, she and Labri went to UCF. That's the last I knew.
"Ashley?" "Ashley Ki-...?" I trailed off to silence when she looked up and stared at me. She was standing next to the Beeper's N Phones Kiosk. We stared for another second as she tried to recall who I am, given the 8 year gap. "You don't remember me, do you?" I said. "I remember, but I can't remember your name," she replied. No surprise there.
"Jon. Jon Chi-..."
"Oh yeah. Wow, its good to see you."
"Yeah, you too."
“You're all grown up.You’ve gotten bigger,” she commented. (I looked like a middle between Tevin and Tony).
“Thanks. You look great too.”
The guy from the kiosk comes up and asks her what she needed.She asked if she could pay her bill [for her cell phone, I’m guessing].The guy directed her to some other store at the other side of the mall. She thanks him and there’s a beat as I survey the conversation and we continue looking upon each other.
“So, what have you been up to?” She asked.
The conversation at the counter of the kiosk progressed for another 6 minutes.We talked about things I can’t really remember that clearly in vivid detail anymore.She was dressed in a black baby tee or baby tank.She had a nose stud, like my cutie shorty-Jessie. She wore kakhi pants that looked like they came from Hollister and Co.Actually, for a current image idea of what she looked like figure-wise, she looked like she would fit in as the model consumer for Hollister and Co. She had tattoos on the small of her back too, like all girls seem to have (I don’t know why you ppl do that).Sandals.
The conversation delved into what each other has done.I told her about the schools and places I’ve been to since leaving St. Pete and returning.She dropped out of 3rd year in Orlando to go up to New York City to room with one of her friends (I will never understand how ppl, girls actually, can drop their life and move someplace far away all for a friend) for a year or two, and since then has dollied around the bay area (That’s been proven by her speeding tickets I found in public records). She congratulated me on graduating, and applauding me for my pursuit of law school, only to scare me with tales of her friend trying to enroll but managing LSAT scores ranging 140-148.I asked her if she went back to school.She said not yet, that she would be heading to Europe with her friends within the month for the whole summer, before coming back, picking up where she left off, and get back to school.Seeing how she’s older than me and not graduated put me at ease for my current standing with school and career. For a second. Then I remembered my predicament again.8 minutes. We talked 8 minutes longer than I would’ve thought. She said she had to go and it was great seeing me again, and wished me well. I said yeah, and said it was great to see her, and she left. Dissappeared.In a classic hindsight habit of mine, I forgot to throw in asking her celly number for when she came back, or asking to see f she wanted to get a coffee or frappacino.Hindsight, fuck you.But it was too late.Eight years. Its eight years. I ran into her at the mall, and she was gone.That was fate. Fate and me.
Only two people that I’ve seen within a 6-8 year spanse. Besides her, there was Mingsavanh, from middle school to SPJC. That culmulated to lots of long talks late at night about sex, Vietnamese dowery/marriage rituals, love, Fred Durst, her engagement ring, among other things (she was a hot laos/viet girl, though I was slightly abased when she would wear short shorts to places).That was 3 years ago. Now, I run into Ash, and I forgot to ask for her digits. Maybe I wasn’t thinking.Maybe I was still trying to get over running into her.No time to plan, so that phone idea wasn’t juggled.Hovering near the kiosk and the Discovery Store entrance, I recall the burned images of her walking away.Of the girl from high school.She’s still very pretty. Not like a pretty tomboy from yesteryear. I probably should have said, “You still looking beautiful.” But it slipped my mind. Not counting on ever seeing her again in another 8 years (I’m hoping something fateful within the year), I continued my mallratting, with more spring steps. Eight years. Eight years, and within the seconds of seeing her, the old memories come back from school.Its funny when those old memories come rushing back so quickly you blurt out a name.Maybe I should come back to I-mall more often. Who knows who else still is in the area.
"You've gotten bigger." It never ceases to amaze me. That line. People I haven't seen in 7 months or more say that somewhere in their opening remarks.. The sentence isn't cut dry... What does it mean exactly? I know I'm not the 147 pound kid from b4 or the 160 pounder from college, but what does it apply to? Are they saying I've gotten fatter? Or I look like I've been working out? Not like I'm going to press people for that answer, since bigger is still a ubiquious flattering term. But still, it would be less confusing if they said something more concrete, like ,"wow, you look like you've been working out," or "wow, you look like a fatty fat fat!"
Mom yelled at me, for slacking off or something... Also, get together last night with the guys at tony's before his wedding today. Also, something else, but I forgot.
Yellow card never lets me down. After todays encounter, theres another YC song that hits close to the thoughts in my head, like that song that Nikki says personifies everything between her and Jackie...
Sew this up with threads of reason and regret
So, I will not forget. I will not forget
How this felt one year six months ago
I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you
I can tell that you don't know me anymore
It's easy to forget, sometimes we just forget
And being on this road is anything but sure
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you
So many nights, legs tangled tight
Wrap me up in a dream with you
Close up these eyes, try not to cry
All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
Memories of you
I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that we can share
Falling into memories of you and things we used to do